Fiduciary Appointment

Well, I have been appointed a fiduciary by the VA. This means I am no longer in control of my VA disability funds. My funds will be sent to a “Payee” a company that contracts with the VA to control funds for those like me deemed incompetent. They collect 4% of my disability funds for this service.

I actually agree with the VA’s decision. I can not manage money and have put myself into unnecessary debt. I was on Supervised Direct Pay for two years which means they were watching how I spent my money.

This rarely happens. Most vets handle their own funds, but not me. It’s a strange thing to be somewhat smart yet totally crazy.



I am currently visiting my family in Eindhoven the Netherlands. My Dutch language skills are OK. I am thinking of moving here since this is the only place I have family. A great deal to think about.

A Veteran Lost

img_0593Shane Yazzie was A Marine Veteran of Desert Storm. I went through VA Inpatient mental health with him last year. After the program he went through some rough times. He tried to pull himself back together, yet in the end he didn’t make it. R.I.P.

Damsels In Distress

img_0572Since my last post I have gotten in touch with a woman I was involved with that I tried to “rescue” as a “White Knight”. I find that I do this a great deal in my life. I seek out women that are beyond emotional basket cases-I find the real deals-Borderline Personality, complex PTSD, Bipolar and end up in platonic but emotionally codependent relationships. I used to think I was a “nice” guy for doing this and that is partly true, but it’s also true that I look for emotional intensity and chaos as a way to recreate my dysfunctional childhood.

With friendships with men I tend to do the same in a different way. Always seeking out the guys with Anti-Social Personality Disorder or convicted felons to “help” when there’s no help to be had for them. Also relating back to my dysfunctional childhood.

Sexual Orientation Change

img_0569At 32 years old I began to experience heterosexual desire. I remember the exact moment that I realized I was sexually attracted to some women in front of me. The desire was immediately followed by disorientation and then panic.

I had been involved in the “exgay” movement since I was 17, this was what I wanted right? To be a “normal guy”, but I found my self in a state of panicked disbelief. I went home and dove into gay porn.

Since then I have been involved in some platonic relationships with women. One that lasted 6 years and was very codependent and unhealthy. I have insisted that I am gay with a small amount of heterosexual desire that I can not explain. And yet over the years my heterosexual desires have continued to slightly increase while my homosexual desires have slightly decreased.

I insist on being celibate and expect to be celibate the rest of my life. That brings me to yesterday. Yesterday I went skiing with the Veterans Adaptive Ski Program. Skiing forces me into a good mood and all day I found myself “checking out” beautiful women and not once noticing a sexually attractive guy.

This is not supposed to happen! My therapist at the VA is working hard to get me to feel comfortable with my sexual identity. But I remain confused and definitely feel alone in this. Has anyone else experienced this? Why and how is this happening?


The Lonely Mojave

img_0502I Own land in the desolate reaches of the Mojave Desert. Between Needles and Barstow on Old Route 66. The town of Danby is where it’s located, a near ghost town with several abandoned buildings, and one family living there.

I love the Mojave because it is so desolate, so barren, and yet, if you look closely, teeming with life that lives on the edge.